“Tickling is forcing someone to laugh when you’re not being funny. Tickling is the opposite of comedy. If you’ve ever tickled anyone, you’re a fraud!” –Esther Ku (here.).
Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category
Psycho chicks go wild (notice the lack of conscience and common decency)
Please do not marry one of these types of women.
Ode to Americaca…
In praise of our American rain and soil: The rain that washes our land is better than all the rain of all the countries; it is infused with gold dust and the disolved trace elements from magic unicorns, blessed by God the Almighty in the days of our forebears, Our holy rain nourishes our pure perfect soil. Our soil is rich beyond measure, yeilding earthworms the size of buffalloes, roaming deep underground in moist crawling herds. One acre of our cropland can feed all of China at a single brunch.
In praise of our magnificent American women: Each American woman is like a night star, shining, brightening the dark in shimmering pools, So beautiful is she that she blinds the eyes of foreigners at a single glance. Her womb, so bountiful, produces whole battaliions at a single push. She has the roundest most perfect knees; her breasts give the milk of a hunderd cows at one suckle. Her eyes brim with nutrients; her tears can cure the blind and bedridden. Her hair is so strong and long, it can pull whole wagons of stone.
In praise of American men: American men can shoot better, more accurately than any other earthbound soul: An American man will be able from birth to death to shoot an apple off an enemy’s head at twelve hundred feet blindfolded without even using a weapon, merely by imagining it. An American man can see farther, run faster, piss straighter than a dozen of any other nation’s men.
In praise of our American captured space aliens: Yes, even our captured space aliens near the enviorns of area 51 have better teeth and eyesight and bigger feet than any other countrys captured aliens. They have come from the farthest distances in space, in the biggest ships. Our captured space aliens are the best and the brightest the universe has to offer.
Tags: Beer, Dos Equis
Yes, it’s time to pay hamage to the funniest and most interesting commercial in the world.
As cool and collected as President Obama, but far more worthy of our admiration. “He once went four days straight staring at himself in his own staring contest–he wins every time.”
Steve Martin does a great satirical piece (I HOPE it’s a satirical piece) on celebrity status demands better known as outlandish tour demands), to wit–
Tags: Beach Boys, Science Fiction, Surf Nazis, Troma
Have a Troma summer: Surf Nazis Must Die
Have a Beach Boys summer: Don’t Worry, Baby
The new Cheers? Who says sorority girls can’t throw a wild party (not me): plates as missiles, vomit on carpets, defecation in urinals, clothes [almost] torn off bartender, engaging in sexual congress while surrounded by a cheering throng, bathroom sink broken (well, after all this can happen when a sorority girl and her date have sex on said sink), students totally obliterated, behaving like immature children… Get all the tantalizing details right here…By the way, I’m going to go in search of posted videos of this for the next 56 hours non stop.
“I developed that (a fear of flying) when I turned 20. I had to come up with a way to deal with it because I didn’t want to have panic attacks every time I get on a plane. I know for a fact it’s not in my destiny to die listening to a Britney Spears album, so I always put that on in my (headphones) when I’m flying because I know it won’t crash if I’ve got Britney on.” Megan Fox
“I love cigarettes. Love them. I think the more positive approach you have to smoking, the less harmful it is.” Sienna Miller
“I carry condoms in my purse, even though I haven’t had sex in a long time. I’m hoping for luck! And I carry them so I can give them to other people who might want or need them, or who might want to have a conversation.” Sharon Stone
“I’ve been noticing gravity since I was very young.” Cameron Diaz
“I have masturbated myself out of serious problems in my life … It has a true market value, like gold bullion. … I do it because I want to take a brain bath. It’s like a hot whirlpool for my brain, in a brain space that is 100 percent agreeable with itself.” John Mayer
“I don’t brush my teeth. No, really! I just use Listerine — and sometimes I’ll use my sweater. I do brush every now and again, but my teeth are extremely powerful. Fine, maybe when I’m 60 I’ll be all, “ow!” Jessica Simpson
Since we live in a big ugly banana republic shouldn’t we be wearing big ugly banana shoes?
From If Shoes Could Kill
Tags: Fear, Tracy Morgan
Tracy Morgan says, “…Don’t you think I’m scared? Every day, motherfucker. But I got to do my job. You got to be scared. ‘Cause if you ain’t scared, you got no need for guts. It take guts for you to come up to my house with food. It take guts just to come out your door — you don’t know what the fuck gonna happen out there, man…” He said it well. You never know what awaits you…hell, just staying behind your door can be pretty bad–you don’t know what’s gonna happen, right? Behind the door I mean. Right?
Related (mastering fear ain’t easy, as in fear of fear, as in dry mouth, as in foaming mouth, as in the intense need to urinate when you don’t even have to…being in front of a crowd will do it): “Since the book came out, people have asked me: so, having written this book about fear, you must be really brave. My answer to that is: no, unfortunately understanding fear in a rational, logical way does absolutely nothing to help you maintain control over the powerful, ancient fear centers that lie deep in our brain. This truth was brought home to me vividly yesterday as I stood up to give a talk at the Googleplex, Google’s corporate office in Mountain View, California. They videotaped it, and I understand that they’re going to post it on Youtube….Logically, I knew what was happening. Subconscious awareness of all these watching eyes was awakening my social fear response. My amygdala was on fire. My mouth was dry, my tongue sluggish. Worse, my brain was sludge. It was like going from cable modem to dial-up. The ideas just weren’t there. Or the words. I started to feel faint. I wondered: what if I totally lose it? What if I just pass out?…” Read the rest here (see Extreme Fear: The Science of Your Mind in Danger).
A Brit video from ’07, and of course still on target
Tags: Donkey, Drug war, Mexico, Spring Break
Just in case you’re thick a Youtube commenter expertly explains the donkey part (very well put, I might add): “This plays on differences between men and women about what they are looking for in sexual relations. A man wants pleasure, a woman wants emotional support. So, the punch line of the joke is a “sex worker” who deals with men’s needs all day wants the animal–a fixture in raunchy sex shows because it has a big “member”–to give emotional support. It is cliche that many women just want to be held, but typically not the “sex worker” women. That is … the punch line of the joke.”
Watched this late sixties movie (120 minutes) last night on Hulu. It was supposedly once banned in France as a “danger to mental health.” Personally I don’t see the connection, but then again this is 2010. The best I can say is it’s a series of seedy vignettes about life in Hollywood. It seems to chronicle that period when society’s anti-sexual/anti-self expression fascade of hiding fantasized sexual or secretly indulged behavior began to give way–to drug use (LSD), topless fascination, long hair, hipster indulgence, and astral projection, etc. The movie’s intermixed with famous stars of the day as they descend their limos at movie premiers in typical overindulgent style. Oh and look for Ronald Reagan complaing in a speech that UCLA reeks of reefer madness.
- Somebody walking into a corporate bank and vomiting on the manager.
- Secret grainy footage of David Letterman licking a “bikini pic” of Sarah Palin in his private quarters at CBS studio.
- A 200 lb Chimp chewing off the face of the chairman of the Federal Reserve (wait a minute, I take that back; that is too gross).
- Taliban men being stoned to death by nude women.
- A Somali pirate with a peg leg and a parrot on his shoulder.
- Michelle Obama mud wrestling Xena the Warrior Princess (I know this is incredibly sick but I’m sorry, this is my ultimate Youtube video fantasy)
Tags: Global Warming, Medals, Prince Charles
…A man endowed with not only the physical strength to hold up a uniform covered with a million medals and golden braids and ribbons (not to mention a silly hat) but a man who has exhibited intense moral fortitude by burning millions of tons of fossil fuel traveling the world warning us of the dangers of burning millions of tons of fossil fuel. Ladies and gentlemen, we present the Grand Wizard, Lord Snozalla, master and Ruler of Silly Hats–yes yes we present Lord Charles, Prince of the World…………
Read more about the Great Global Warming Man Himself here in a past (and very popular) post.
Update: Hey, I’m sorry, those aren’t medals as I stated earlier; those are merit badges, six in all I believe:
The 1st (L toR) is for Expertise above and beyond the call of duty for changing the Royal Mothers diapers each night. The 2nd is for Steadfast Devotion to choosing the Castle’s Royal toilet paper design on a daily basis. The 3rd is for Command Performance for wiping the Queen’s Royal Arse whenever called upon for this most officious duty. The 4th is for Meritorious Service in arranging the Palace maids’ panties all in a neat row for Royal inspection. The 5th is for Special Duress Control for not wearing his wife’s undies under his uniforms. And the 6th is for Most Extraordinary Fornication with the late Princess Di’s portrait.
Tags: Funerals, Pastors
Drunk pastor wrecks funeral: “A grieving family is suing a pastor for £27,000 over claims he ‘destroyed’ an 80-year-old grandmother’s funeral with his drunken behaviour. The Lutheran minister is accused of making tasteless jokes during the service, falling down almost to his knees and pulling himself back up ‘using the altar like it was a climbing frame for an ape’. He is also accused of kissing the hand of the deceased’s daughter and asking her if she fancied joining him in the vestry for a drink…” God do I wish I’d been there to regale in the fun…
Tags: Beer summit, Obama, Racism
Remember, Joe Friday always gets his man.
Tags: Dragnet, Joe Friday, Tim Geithner
Obama’s inept Treasury Secretary finally gets grilled by some no thrills LA cops.
Tags: Launch parties, Windows 7
I know one thing, at my launch party I’m gonna have those miniature hot dogs…
Dead parrot syndrome, aka irreconcilable differences. The great thing about the dead parrot routine is that you can apply to just about anything, even Obama’s health care plan, religion or immigration reform–or even to your marriage.
Tags: Bands, Fat, Old, Rammstein
Is nothing sacred anymore? Only real American hero, Batman, a victim of Ponzi scheme. Alas, Bat cave garage sale.
Even when the mind is completely stultified by boredom it can become creative by producing the very objectification of that boredom and projecting it onto the physical world (pic link). In the case below we have nothing less than bored braincells that have, by what must have been magnetic osmosis, geometrically pooled on the sidewalk, mingling into the harsh physical world to form a deflected continuum.
An example of a rare human activity that cannot be duplicated and surpassed by a chimp.
Transcript of the National Press Club’s Mahmoud Ahmadinejad roast
Good evening Mr. Ahmadinejad. Good evening veiled ladies and gentlemen. [some laughter]
We are here tonight to honor the president of an oil-rich country—by the way the only kind of president worth honoring. [some laughter, applause] In fact, I see you’re so oil rich you use it in your hair. [slight laughter, couple of boos]
Mr. President, I understand your beloved mother is still alive [applause]; we hear that when you were born instead of naming you Mahmoud she originally opted for Rosemary’s Baby. [nervous laughter, some loud hissing] We also hear when you were born you were very hairy; in fact, the doctor mistakenly slapped your face. [laughter]
Mahmoud we’d like to congratulate you on your appearance at Columbia and your witty comeback to Chancellor Bollinger’s insults. Mahmoud, let me say right from the start that you are no dictator. Dictators wear better suits. [laughter]
Mahmoud, you said at Columbia there’s no gays in your country. Of course that may not be true for long. I understand all your women are being stoned to death. [laugher, some cheers] Hey but that’s all right; I mean you put a veil and burka on a guy and it’s the same thing right, Mahmoud? Only the beards in the wrong place. [heavy laughter, foot stomping] But seriously Armadinejad, you Iranians are lucky. Take your prostitutes. You don’t even have to pay them—I mean, hey, what would a goat do with money anyway. [laughter]
You know, Mr President, it must be hard living next door to Israel, but look on the bright side. If it weren’t for Israel all those Jews might be moving to Iran—with their weapons. [nervous laughter]
Now you’ve been criticised for your nuclear ambitions, Mahmoud. Quite unfairly we think. I mean, imagine how many virgins one of your suicide bombers would get with an A-bomb strapped on him. [heavy laughter]
And what about us Americans?…Mahmoud you gotta admit one thing: we don’t stink as bad as the French. [guffaws] And another thing you oil guys gotta love about us –Just one of our Hummers uses more gas than your entire air force. [heavy applause, foot stomping, shouting, whistling]
Listen, Mahmoud, I know you have to get back to Iran to hang some more dissidents, but I’d like to say a couple of more things…I understand you and bin Laden have something in common besides terrorism: you both use the same beard coloring—Just For Terrorists. [loud laughter]
Mahmoud, we hope you enjoyed your dinner here tonight. Everything was kosher. [laughter]
In closing, Mr. President, I’d like to say—and I’m sure you’d agree–that all of us men, Muslim and Jew and Christian alike share a very human trait. Underneath our pants we are all circumcised. [loud applause, laughter]. That gotta be a good omen for world peace, right? [applause]
Mr. President, thank you for attending this dinner and roast and may Allah grant you your most sacred wish—that you were a normal-sized human being…[applause, laughter, foot stomping]
Update: You know people have actually emailed me accusing me of making this up.